“Breathe, Ashley, Breathe.”
Panic, pure panic.
“It’s going to be okay.”
Heart racing, tears falling.
“It didn’t look bad. I wouldn't have even noticed if I didn’t know your choreography.”
Thoughts of letting my team and coaches down. Thoughts of never being good enough.
When I was 16, I made solo finals for the first time. About a third of the way through, I got turned around and messed up the choreography. Anxiety and fear flooded my body. I panicked and improvised the rest of the dance. Afterward, I was inconsolable. My friends and coach tried to calm me down, but I was a puddle of self-criticism and tears.
Growing up in a highly competitive studio and school dance team environment, I strived to be “perfect.” Mistakes were the enemy and proof of my inadequacies. I wish I knew then what I know now.
Mistakes are a human experience. There is no such thing as perfection, and avoiding or fearing mistakes are signs of a fixed mindset, can lead to harsh self-criticism, and less achievements. But this can be a difficult concept to apply, especially during competition season. Can you relate?
Think of a recent mistake you made in dance or your sport of choice. How did you react? How did you treat yourself?
What if you could embrace your mistakes, learn from them, and build resilience instead?
Through her research, Dr. Kristin Neff has shown that practicing self-compassion is the key to letting go of mistakes and becoming resilient (Neff, 2015) (Breines & Chen, 2012). Self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially in times of stress and suffering, like you would a best friend or loved one (Neff, 2011). Check out this excellent infographic for more on the benefits of self-compassion.
The three components of self-compassion, identified by Dr. Neff, are:
-
Self-kindness instead of self-judgment
-
Common humanity instead of isolation
-
Mindfulness instead of over-identification (Neff, 2020).
Putting it into Practice: Let’s use these three components, along with an intervention I’ve adapted from the study "Applying Self-Compassion in Sport: An Intervention With Women Athletes" by Mosewich et al. (2013). Grab a pen and paper, and let’s dive in.
-
Write about a recent mistake you’ve made in dance (or any sport or craft).
-
Common Humanity:
Common humanity means remembering that mistakes, suffering, failures, and setbacks are all part of the human experience. No human is immune. Cultivating a sense of your common humanity, especially in the face of challenges, helps you feel less alone and more connected to your community.
On paper, brainstorm and list times other dancers have made similar mistakes to what you wrote about. This can be hypothetical or real-life situations you’ve observed.
-
Self-Kindness
Bring to mind a dancer you love, admire, or look up to. What do you do when they make mistakes? Do you harshly criticize and judge them? Probably not. You likely give them grace and support. What if you offered the same kindness and understanding to yourself when you mess up?
On paper, write a note to yourself expressing this same kindness and understanding towards yourself for your mistake. Write as if you’re talking to a person you love and care for deeply. What wisdom and encouragement would you offer them?
-
Mindfulness
Two key components of mindfulness are nonjudgmental observations and acceptance of present experiences. Instead of the extremes of either spiraling into a feelings puddle or stuffing emotions down and not acknowledging them, we can bring nonjudgmental awareness to our thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
On paper, describe your mistake again, but this time objectively and unemotionally. What are the facts of the situation?
-
Reflect and Integrate
As you read back over your responses for 1-4, what’s coming up for you? What are you noticing about yourself? How can you take these observations and components of self-compassion and apply them next time you make a mistake?
With these tools, you’re ready to go into competition and audition season with confidence and mental strength! You’ve got this. And I’m here to support you however you need. If you’re interested in my work, head to my website. You can also find me on Instagram for more free tools, resources, and inspiration.
Chat Soon!
Ashley
Ashley Mowrey is a former competitive dancer, dance educator, and competition company director. Now as a Mindset Coach, she helps dancers build confidence and mental strength so they can shine on and off of the stage. Ashley works with dancers through 1-1 virtual coaching as well as studio and team workshops. She holds a B.A. in Psychology from The University of Arkansas, is an Associate Certified Coach through the International Coaching Federation, a Whole Person Certified Coach and Trauma-Informed Certified Coach, a Certified Positive Psychology Coach, and a trained facilitator in Tara Mohr’s Playing Big Leadership Program. Ashley’s a specialist for Doctors for Dancers, and a blog contributor for Apolla Performance. You can also see her on tour with Embody Dance Conference, where she leads Mindset Skills Seminars for all ages, including parents and teachers.
Sources:
Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133 1143. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers.
Neff, K. (2020, July 9). Definition and three elements of self compassion: Kristin Neff. Self-Compassion. Retrieved February 22, 2022, from https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/
Neff, K. (2015, February 22). The motivational power of self-compassion- Kristin Neff. Self-Compassion. https://selfcompassion.org/the motivational power of self compassion/
Mosewich, A. D., Crocker P, R. E., Kowalski, K. C., & Delongis, A. (2013). Applying self-compassion in sport: an intervention with women athletes. Journal of sport & exercise psychology, 35(5), 514–524. https://doi.org/10.1123/jsep.35.5.514
