Living with Your Inner Critic by Ashley Mowrey
“You’re not ready yet.”
“You’re going to embarrass yourself. What will they think?”
“Everyone can tell you’re not equipped to speak on this. They see through you.”
“Mistakes and fumbles are evidence you’re not good at this. Stop trying.”
Thoughts like these dictated my inner dialog for years. Whether it was when I was a competitive dancer, a dance teacher, a college student, a new mom, or a public speaker, these words of self-criticism ran free in my mind. This self-criticism, my inner critic, was loud, harsh, relentless, and so very scared. For years, I thought my inner critic was my true voice, and I thought I was the only one struggling with it.
Turns out I was wrong on all accounts. My inner critic isn’t my true voice, and I’m not the only one struggling with it. We all have an inner critic to some degree, even profoundly successful and talented people. That voice chips away at our confidence, lowers self-worth, and undermines the things we care about most, all while under the pretense of protecting us.
In her book, The Creative Habit: Learn It and Use It For Life, Twyla Tharp writes about her fears before each creative endeavour. She writes, “There are mighty demons, but they're hardly unique to me. You probably share some. If I let them, they'll shut down my impulses ('No, you can't do that') and perhaps turn off the spigots of creativity altogether.” It was refreshing to read that even a dancer and choreographer as accomplished and brilliant as Twyla Tharp still has this voice of self-doubt and criticism. I’m not alone. Neither are you. Neither is the person you compare yourself to.
Like me, you might be wondering, “but what if my inner critic motivates me?” Ah, yes. This pesky voice can, in fact, be quite motivating. It sure drove my perfectionism for years, which from the outside looking in may have looked like I was thriving. But inside was a different story.
Here’s the catch: criticism and guilt don’t actually motivate us the way we think they do. They spike our anxiety and increase shame, which pushes us into avoidance. We procrastinate, we numb ourselves, we stay busy to stay out of our own heads. That’s not motivation. That’s survival mode dressed up as drive.
It helps to remember that our inner critic is just trying to keep us safe. Our minds don’t do a great job of distinguishing between real harm (say, a bear chasing you), or perceived or hypothetical harm (the chance of getting embarrassed or judged). It’s all the same danger. That’s why our inner critic speaks up so loudly when we’re being vulnerable, getting out of our comfort zone, or stretching ourselves. It is preemptively telling you everything that could (and absolutely will!) go wrong. But it’s stuck in fear, not reality. Living with our inner critic means recognizing its safety instinct, compassionately seeing its fear, and patiently practicing not taking direction from it.
Before we quiet it, let’s learn to recognize it. For most of us, this voice is such background noise that we stop noticing it. We can even believe it’s our true voice, or just realistic thinking. Check out this list from Life Coach and Author Tara Mohr for common qualities of the inner critic. You may not have all 11, but see which ones you can relate to. For me, my inner critic is definitely black and white, harsh and rude, the voice of perfectionism, and loves a good 1-2 punch, which is when your inner critic attacks or shames you for the critical thoughts it put there. This 1-2 punch might sound like your inner critic convincing you to not go to the front in an audition for fear of not being ready. Then it follows that up with, “Wow, I can’t believe you didn’t get in the front. I told you so. If you can’t do that then you’re not good enough to be here”.
Once you have an idea of the qualities of your inner critic, then it’s time to start quieting it. The first step is to simply notice and label your inner critic. Grab some paper and jot down when you hear your inner critic the loudest and what it most commonly says. This will bring awareness to your automatic thoughts and give you some insight into your inner critic. From there, when you hear it, say to yourself, “There’s my inner critic.” You can even compassionately acknowledge it but saying something like, “I hear you inner critic. But I’ve got this”.
From there, try on these different tools from Tara Mohr as an experiment. Some will resonate more than others. My favorite that has been my go-to for years is to personify my inner critic. Now when I hear that voice, I can picture it as the character I have created and imagine turning down her volume.
One last thing: don’t argue with your inner critic, and don’t meet it with anger. Tara Mohr compares the inner critic to a small child acting up because of fear. Yelling at it only agitates it more, and arguing doesn’t work because your inner critic can always come up with another reason to keep you stuck. As she puts it, “You don’t have to win the argument with your inner critic; you simple have to step away from the conversation.” The best way to do that? Practice, practice, and more practice.
You’ve got this! And I’m here to support you however you need. If you’re interested in my work, head to my website. You can also find me on Instagram for more free tools, resources, and inspiration.
Chat soon!
Ash
Ashley Mowrey is a former competitive dancer, dance educator, and competition company director. Now as a Mindset Coach, she helps dancers build confidence and mental strength so they can shine on and off of the stage. Ashley works with dancers through 1-1 virtual coaching as well as studio and team workshops. She holds a B.A. in Psychology from The University of Arkansas, is an Associate Certified Coach through the International Coaching Federation, a Whole Person Certified Coach and Trauma-Informed Certified Coach, a Certified Positive Psychology Coach, and a trained facilitator in Tara Mohr’s Playing Big Leadership Program. Ashley’s a specialist for Doctors for Dancers, and a blog contributor for Apolla Performance. You can also see her on tour with Embody Dance Conference, where she leads Mindset Skills Seminars for all ages, including parents and teachers.
